Cup of Jo

Hello All,

Recently I've found myself asking why a lot. And just asking questions in general.

With school:
-Why did I get that grade?
-Why am I still attending this class?
-Why am I here?
-What's the point?

With church:
-Why am I getting distracted?
-What am I learning?

With life:
-Why doesn't he understand?
-Why did he keep going?
-Why can he be so broken yet blind at the same time?
-WHY DIDN'T HE STOP?
-Why does he think he can keep trying?
-Why isn't this affecting me as much as it should?
-Why am I numb?
-What happens now?
-What will happen to him?
-Will he be okay?
-Why am I having a hard time with Ian?

I'm not having these why questions which is good:
-Why God?
--It's not God's fault, it's sin. God still loves me and is here for me just like always. He still wraps me in his arms. Nothing has changed between us, unless I've grown more dependent on HIM.
-Why me?
--If this is as bad as it gets for me, I'm doing pretty well. For me to complain and think that no one understands is pathetic and superficial. There are so many people that are going through the same thing I have, possibly an even worse situation, who understand what I'm feeling or not feeling....thinking or not thinking....hurting or not hurting.

I'm okay, which seems unreal to me. I guess that's God's peace. There are times when I feel like my world is a little upside down. But I've yet to feel the gravational effects of that.

Am I mad?
-A little, I could punch a certain someone in the jaw, or the gut, and not feel guilty till probably a week later. But, I will never have the chance to do that, or at least I hope not.

Did he do anything to me?
-No, well....he lied to me...us. But, who hasn't done that? I guess it's just the acting and the magnitude of the problem that made the lie seem worse.

Does he still love me?
-Yes, of course. I'd never doubt that. Or at least I hope I never come to that place where I doubt it.

Do I still love him?
-Yes, I can't not love him or forgive him. It'd be ridiculous to not forgive him or love him because of all that Christ has done for me.

Has God been faithful?
-More than that. He's revealed to all of us the truth. Just like he promises. He brought light to a situation that's been in the dark for two years. Truly a blessing.

Why did I get my hopes up one last time?
-I don't know. I don't know that I ever will know....and I don't know if I'll ever hope for a future with an "us" in it. But...

Do I believe in miracles?
-Absolutely. No question about it.

Does God have a plan?
-Yes. The fact that he knew this was going to happen and has a plan to use it for HIS glory is the only thing that is keeping me sane probably. It's what's holding me together.

I guess it's weird going through this situation with a clear mind that isn't completely taken over with emotions. My emotions are relatively stable. I cried last night, but that was mostly because the arms that were holding me allowed me to, gave me the freedom to cry while he was silent. It was sweet of him.

Well, I've neglected my homework and duties for too long. Time to get back.
Thank you for reading; I'm sorry it was ambiguous.
Please pray. Jesus knows what's going on.

♥